Down
by SVUBahDumTiss
Summary: A little history of Olivia Benson before she lets her faults catch up to her and she spirals down. The ending is Tuckson.
**OK, there was no Beta, I slightly proofed this, and it's life of staying up is pending. Mainly because I kinda like it now, but may think its garbage in fifteen minutes. [shrugs shoulders. idk]**

 **The song used for this is "Down" by Jason Walker**

 **Oh, and some is AU and some is actual lines from the show. Read if you wish. Review if you wish. Do everything - if you wish. (:**

 **Dick Wolf owns... yada yada yada**

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She doesn't remember when she began to feel this way. Was is after they turned her down for adoption the first time, or was it when her partner of twelve years left? Was it when her relationship with the district attorney abruptly ended, or was it when her [ex]boyfriend told her he loved her and he left her shortly after?

 _I don't know where I'm at,_

 _I'm standing at the back,_

 _And I'm tired of waiting._

She took a sip of the red wine she chose for the night, laying her head down on her tub pillow. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before turning over to look at her iPad to make sure that Noah was ok. Squinting her eyes and taking note of the time; he should be here within the hour, but she wanted nothing more than to soak in the tub for the rest of the night.

 _Waiting here in line, hoping that I'll find_

 _What I've been chasing._

She remembers this song from the car the other day. Not really the meaning behind it, because she spent most of the time asking Noah how his day was. Though she couldn't really understand him due to his toddler babble, she still paid more attention to him than the song playing. But now, now she had her chance to listen closely.

 **Adoption:**

She closed her eyes as the tears threatened to spill over. She thinks back to the days where she spent long nights filling out paperwork after paperwork. Meeting up with attorneys and agencies. She spent the better part of her year sitting and listening to them tell her how she wasn't fit to be a mother. How she didn't have the extended family support system to raise a family. She remembers the comment from an elderly lady about how she wasted her prime years to become a mom and now she was better off getting cat. _A cliché? Maybe?_

 _I shot for the sky,_

 _I'm stuck on the ground._

 _So why do I try, when I know I'm gonna fall?_

She opened her eyes and took a deep breath. Trying to refocus her vision from the tears that had caused her blurry sight. She sat up a little bit to splash her face before she took another sip.

She brought her knees to her chest, looking down and noticing the faint scar that was still on her skin.

 **Partners for Life:**

" _You need to be more careful, Liv." he whispered before applying a little more pressure to the wound. He leaned forward and blew lightly on the Band-Aid, but not before pressing his lips lightly to the small injury._

" _I was careful. I had a slight stumble, I'm fine." she grinned. This felt natural to her. The small back and forth between them._

 _He pulled her pant leg down, spending more time than usual to make sure it was straight before he stood up and extended his hand towards her. He wrapped his arms around her, whispering the one line she wished she never had to hear from him. Ever._

" _I put my papers in, Liv."_

 _She didn't say anything, she didn't need to. She just held onto him tighter. The tears slipping down her cheeks as her body shook in his._

" _I'll always be your partner. I just can't do SVU anymore." He moved his lips to the side of her temple, placing a small kiss there; lingering longer than he anticipated._

 _"I'm your partner, for better or worse."_

Her body was shaking and she knew she couldn't do anything to stop the shortness of breath coming from her body.

 _I thought I could fly,_

 _So why did I drown?_

 _Never know why it's coming down, down, down._

She didn't want her mind to go there, to David, but she thinks back to the silent films they watched together. She thinks back to the night he went up to her apartment for their nightcap. The night she finally let someone be intimate with her in ways she said she never would.

She squeezed her thighs together tightly, blushing at the thought of him between her legs. The way she told him she never allowed anyone to do this before and she wasn't sure she should now.

 **I'm not Going Anywhere:**

" _I'll take my time, Olivia." he smiled as he kissed the inside of each thigh._

" _Just be … gentle. Please." she whispered as she laid her head back and waited in anticipation for him. She was wet and she knew it had to be noticeable to him and she didn't know whether to be embarrassed or not._

The rose colored blush made its way back to her cheeks as she thought about how slow he went with her. The way he slowly, so slowly licked form the bottom to the top. The moment his tongue made contact with her wet center and her hips coming up off the bed.

 _He placed his hand on her stomach as he smiled against her center._

" _Calm down," he whispered as he slowly began to use his tongue to make her come._

She brought her hand to her center under the water, pressing lightly against her swollen nub, but not using enough pressure to get herself off. She pulled back at the thought again and she sunk lower into the bath.

She lowered her body under the water as she let the water drown out the world above her.

 _Not ready to let go,_

 _Cause then I'd never know,_

 _What I could missing way too much,_

 _So when do I give up what I've been wishing for?_

She felt her body begin to ache as she shot up out of the water. Panting, she leaned over the side of the tub as she grabbed her towel and wiped her face off. Drying her hands so she could grab the bottle to fill her glass once again.

She remembers the day Munch and Amaro ran into Brian and her while at his apartment. Chuckling lightly as she thought back to the moment with the four of them:

 **I love you:**

" _You have company?"  
_

" _Yeah, it's your sister you should've told me she snores. I'll call you tomorrow."_

…

" _Liv?"_

" _Hey, Guys."_

She can only laugh now. Walking out of the bedroom in his tshirt with no pants on. She's not exactly sure what came over her in that moment when she decided to exit the bedroom like that, but it's all in the past now.

Chuckling, she thought back to her memories with him. _Him._ Brian.

" _Get an apartment with me?"_

" _No."_

" _Liv, Lewis he, he destroyed everything you have. You can't even walk around this place to clean it without flinching at every sound."_

 _He knew it was a low blow, but he needed to get his point across._

" _You son of a bitch." she mumbled as she walked around him, heading towards her bedroom._

She could only laugh now. He was right, she was scared to be by herself in her apartment and she, to this day, did not regret moving in with him. She doesn't regret the false hope or emotions that were caused due to her negative pregnancy test. She also doesn't regret telling him she loved him. She did. And part of her thinks she always will.

" _I still think about having a family. You ever think about having kids with me or growing old with me?" she asked softly._

" _I just don't see myself growing old."_

" _I know you don't. I know."_

She can't help but let the tears fall now. She never thought she would miss someone, intimately and emotionally miss someone the way she missed him.

" _There is something I feel like I have to tell you."_

" _Go ahead, I can take it."_

" _No, it's not like that. Not at all. Not even close. … I love you."_

Her sobs taking over her whole body now.

 _I shot for the sky,_

 _I'm stuck on the ground._

 _So why do I try, when I know I'm gonna fall?_

The water is running cold now and she can feel the goosebumps rising on her skin as the air conditioner kicked on for the night. Her phone going off in the background indicating he was on his way to her. They were supposed to have a quiet night in tonight, but he was running late. She had dinner on the counter waiting for him, but she didn't wait for him to start drinking. She made sure Noah was set for the night as she made herself comfortable.

A bath and a quiet night to herself to unwind before he came to her was exactly what she needed. She wasn't sure when the thoughts invaded her mind. The ones that made her think she wasn't good enough, but they were there and they were making her doubt herself even more.

" _I can do this… I can do this…" she thought to herself._

Every morning started the same and every night ended the same way, too.

 _I'm losing what I never found…._

She looked over at the monitor, smiling at the little boy on the screen; her little boy. Her baby boy. _Hers_.

She took a deep breath, a deeper one than before. One she knew she needed so she didn't have to come back up again. Maybe there is a reason she isn't meant to have happiness. Maybe she isn't meant to find the one. Maybe she isn't meant for … the happily ever after.

She lowered herself into the water one last time. Praying she had what it took inside of her not to come back up again. She'd gone her whole life without love and nurturing. Why now? Why did she deserve it now?

She can hear the front door open and slam shut. The heavy footsteps of his making way through her apartment.

"Olivia?" he asks softly as he reached the bathroom door. She can hear how close he is now, but she refuses to come back up.

"Olivia?' he asks again as he knocks softly before opening the door.

To him, she's just lowered herself to rinse the soap away. To him, she's just submerged herself to let the bubbles side before she comes up for her towel. To him, she's just taking a bath.

 _I thought I could fly,_

 _So why did I drown?_

 _I'll never know why it's coming down, down, down._

To her though, she was taking her last breath. She wishes she would have told him before her inner demon took over.

 _"I get it, you're just looking out for me._

 _"Always."_

and she knew he meant it.

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Well, this was fun. Like it or hate it, just let me know. (:


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